No, not the John Patrick Shanley film, though it's great and you should see it. I mean the actual feeling of doubt that plagues our every waking minute. That sense of being unsure, the feeling that things are quite as they should be. I have doubt a lot of the time, probably as much as anyone, I doubt the news, word of mouth, people, freedom, my grocery receipt... the usual stuff. But I have it in spades at the moment.
I just sent the new draft of the Derelict script out to the actors, and some trusted friends, and as soon as clicked send I regretted it. Which is odd, because I've been sending earlier, less completed, drafts out no problem - with that very intension, that people would be involved early on and the actors could contribute to their own parts with their ideas. But on this draft for some reason, I had doubt.
I think as it gets closer, we're now two and a half months away from shooting, I'm getting more worried about it working, about making a good film, a worthy film, of everyone's time, talent and effort and money - a lot of people have donated money to this film now. I'm worried about making a fool of myself too! I've been blabbering on about this film for far to long, to make it and fail, would be a disaster, would be unacceptable.
When I finish a draft, revise it, read it again and feel happy with it, I put it aside and I might sit down to watch some TV, and if there's something bad on I think "Shit, does my script sound like that, is this what I'm making?!" so I have to go back and check. Or, the opposite, I watched Network and Serpico this week, blistering performances burning the screen, powerful, a master-class in the craft of filmmaking. So I think, "What's the point in doing it if I can't do that?! What's the point in doing anything if the best has already been achieved" - so the doubt grows and grows.
I think the trick is, I hope the trick is, to use that doubt as a tool. To keep checking, keep refining and ultimately, never really be happy with it. Do the best you can with what you have and hope that what comes out in the end is somewhere near that vibrant intangible spark you caught a glimpse of way back when you decided it would be a worth while journey to follow it.
Some more writing to come. Hopefully a rehearsal or two. And I'm going to do some storyboards soon too. Still looking for some crew as well. More doubt soon.